Sebelum saya menyambung komentar saya berkenaan drama 'Andainya Takdir', ingin saya kongsikan simtom-simton penderaan emosi. Oleh kerana saya berdepan dengan klien-klien yang mempunyai latarbelakang penderaan fizikal, emosi, mental, kewangan dll, maka sebagai pengamal undang-undang, saya perlu menambah ilmu pengetahuan tentang aspek penderaan yang mereka lalui. Saya perlu mengetahui tahap ketahanan klien saya, dari segi mental dan emosi, apa yang perlu saya lakukan untuk membantu mereka. Saya perlu memahami apa yang berada dalam fikiran mereka, apa yang mereka rasai, dan sebagainya.
Kebanyakan klien yang mengalami penderaan emosi, mereka akan berada dalam situasi yang keliru. Mereka sukar untuk membezakan antara yang betul dan salah. Ini adalah kerana di dalam perkahwinan, mereka sering dipersalahkan dalam kebanyakan perkara walaupun mereka tidak melakukan apa-apa kesalahan.
Jadi, tidak hairanlah jika mereka selalu bertanya dan meminta kepastian sama ada tindakan mereka betul atau salah.
Ini adalah antara soalan atau kenyataan mereka,
'Betul ke apa yang saya buat ni?',
'Saya tidak berdosa ke?',
'Boleh ke saya cerita kepada puan?',
'Semua ini salah saya...',
'Saya tak tahu mana betul mana salah'
'Suami saya kata apa yang saya buat semua salah'
'Suami saya kata saya berdosa jika saya mengadu kepada sesiapa'
'Suami saya kata saya isteri nusyuz jika keluar rumah (walaupun ke pejabat agama, rumah ibubapa)'
'Suami saya kata saya salah dan berdosa dedah rahsia rumahtangga (kena dera)'
'Saya bingung'
Saya senaraikan bawah ini antara soalan-soalan yang saya petik daripada laman web http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/
Take a moment to consider these questions. Your partner might have behaved as though these things were okay, even though it's obvious that they aren't okay...:
Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?
Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem?
Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?
Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?
Does your partner limit your access to work, money or material resources?
Has your partner ever stolen from you? Or run up debts for you to handle?
Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?
Have you ever felt obligated to have sex, just to avoid an argument about it?
Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?
Has your partner ever thrown away your belongings, destroyed objects or threatened pets?
Are you afraid of your partner?
One aspect of emotional abuse is that it eventually brainwashes the victim.
THE PROCESS OF BRAINWASHING
(MIND CONTROL)
1. The brainwasher keeps the victim unaware of what is going on and what changes are taking place.
Your partner might control your finances, make plans for you, or not tell you what his plans are until the last minute. He may talk about you to others behind your back, to isolate you from them.
Your partner might have insisted that you stop certain social, hobby, or work activities. You might have gotten moved to a new location, farther away from your family and friends. Or you may have been asked (or told) to reduce or stop contact with specific supportive people in your life.
Verbal and emotional abuse creates these emotions, and they become stronger and stronger over time.
4. The brainwasher works to instill new behavior and attitudes in the victim.
Your partner trains to you behave in ways that he wants you to behave. He gradually makes you feel differently about yourself, and erodes your confidence in yourself.
5. The brainwasher puts forth a closed system of logic, and allows no real input or criticism.
In other words -- What he says, goes.
Pattern pendera ini kebanyakannya lebihkurang sama sahaja.
COMMON CHARACTERISTICS OF ABUSERS(adapted)
* He was verbally abused as a child, or witnessed it in his own family.
* He has an explosive temper, triggered by minor frustrations and arguments.
* Abusers are extremely possessive and jealous. They experience an intense desire to control their mates.
* His sense of masculinity depends on the woman's dependency upon him. He feels like a man only if his partner is totally submissive and dependent on him.
* Abusers often have superficial relationships with other people. Their primary, if not exclusive, relationship is with their wife/girlfriend.
* He has low self-esteem.
* He has rigid expectations of marriage (or partnership) and will not compromise. He expects her to behave according to his expectations of what a wife should be like; often the way his parents' marriage was, or its opposite. He demands that she change to accommodate his expectations.
* He has a great capacity for self-deception. He projects the blame for his relationship difficulties onto his partner. He would not be drunk if she didn't nag him so much. He wouldn't get angry if only she would do what she's supposed to do. He denies the need for counseling because there's nothing wrong with him. Or he agrees to get counseling and then avoids it or makes excuses to not follow through. He might not want her to get counseling because, he reasons, she wouldn't have any problems if she only turned to him.
* He may be described as having a dual personality -- he is either charming or exceptionally cruel. He is selfish or generous depending on his mood.
* A major characteristic of abusers is their capacity to deceive others. He can be cool, calm, charming and convincing: a con man.
* The mate is usually a symbol. The abuser doesn't relate to his partner as a person in her own right, but as a symbol of a significant other. This is especially true when he's angry. He assumes that she is thinking, feeling, or acting like that significant other -- often his mother.
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